Lily Evans and the Mysterious Nipple Ring
by Scarlettrey
Summary: Lily is entering her 7th year of Hogwarts where things are immediately starting to go awry; James' Quidditch-toned self is being forced into potions tutoring (golly gosh!), Severus is finding himself acting like Tarzan (sweet merlin!) Sirius has decided to become a gangsta (galloping gargoyles!) and Lily's owl is singing 'Papa Don't Preach'. (PARODY!) Rated for language. Probably.
1. Like A Giraffe On Giraffe Tablets

**_A/N: So this is a completely stupid story which is a parody that I started writing for fun one day when I was reading a particularly cliche/annoying Jily fic. The whole fic is pretty much based my pet peeves when it comes to Marauder/Jily fics, but is also just random ridiculousness, so have fun i guess!_**

Disclaimer: This shit aint mine yo.

**__**_Chapter 1: Like a Giraffe on Giraffe Tablets _

Lily Anne Marie Doris Benson Helga Evans sighed heavily in distress as she was woken up abruptly by the sound of loud noises coming from downstairs. As she remembered that today was in fact the first of September, and therefore her first day of seventh year and being head girl, she got up off her bed excitedly and began to get dressed, looking in the mirror as she did so. She sighed in sadness, revulsion, and altogether suicide-nocity as she looked at her gorgeous red-as-she-sun-and-its-mate-saturn tresses that fell softly to her bum so she had to tuck the ends in her knickers, her beautiful emerald-and-blue-and-other-various-coloured eyes sparkling like two sparkley things, and her banging body with perfectly perky breasts and skinny legs. She decided that she hated life IN GENERAL FULL STOP.  
"I am just so goshdarned _ugly!_" She thought to herself as she frolicked downstairs, making a personal memo to cut her wrists later on so much that she got blood all over her owl, Madonna. She had to be at the train station in an hour, so she had to get her perfectly taut rear into gear and get to finishing packing her trunk and disapparating to King's Cross. But first she needed a spot of breakfast.  
As she finished descending the stairs, however, she could hear voices coming from the kitchen on the other side of the wall.

She heard her mother's voice exclaiming, "That Lily. What a doofus!"  
"She is just so all-round crap." She heard her father answer with a good natured laugh and continuing, "I ought to punch her in the eye and throat simultaneously the second she enters this here kitchen!"  
"You are as right as can be, father," Lily's horse-faced giraffe-necked leech-eyebrowed chicken-winged cow-bummed bird-kneed sister replied, laughing along with her parents. "She is such a freaky-deaky-neeky-deeked freak!"

Lily's eyes teared up, her throat closing up, and sobs wracked her small-waisted frame as she sunk to the floor, grasping the banister with her hand dramatically and reeling over while she tried to deal with the emotion-nocity of the situation she was facing. Of course, her parents and her sister had always been horrible to her, and were most of the reason Madonna was subjected to her wrist blood so often (other than the fact that she was _saaaaaa_ ugly).

"And," her sister was continuing, oblivious to Lily's presence in the hall outside, "Guess what I did to the FREAKING FREAKY FREEEAAAKKKERR yesterday?" she asked her parents, amusement in her giraffey voice.  
"What, Petunia? Please reveal it all!" Said her father excitedly.  
Petunia was smug as she divulged, "I urinated in the FREAK's cup of FREAKY coffee at breakfast yesterday when the FREAK wasn't looking!" she laughed like a giraffe on giraffe tablets.  
"HURRR HURRR HURRRRRRRR HARDYYY HARRRRRRRRR!" her parents laughed like ten laughing things at Petunia's gripping story, wiping tears of mirth from their eyes.

"Godric's left ballsack!" murmured Lily, horrified, thinking of how she had especially enjoyed yesterday's coffee.  
"That is ITTING IT!" she thought to herself. She was a big gurl now! She didn't need no parents and/or sister! She got up from her place on the floor where she had dramatically sunk down onto, and ran up the stairs, deciding to grab her trunk and Madonna and BAIL like a WHALE! Going up into her bedroom and proceeding to do just this, she held her trunk in one hand and Madonna's cage in the other, and disapparated straight from her bedroom, landing outside King's Cross Station in London.

Lily arrived through the barrier of platform 9 ¾ and had only a second to look at the wondrous scarlet steam train before she head an ear-splitting shriek. "LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YY!111111" yelled Lily's bestest best friend in the whole world as she spear tackled her from behind, sending Lily's trunk and Madonna in her cage flying. Madonna let out an indignant squawk that sounded suspiciously like, "Papa don't preach!" Lily sat up hazily, looking up at her two best friends; Mary McDonald, who was grinning madly and standing above her after getting up quickly from the tackle, and Marlene McKinnon who was smiling apologetically at Lily, a book in her hand. Those were the two girls' names because they are the two names we heard from J.K so they would OBVIOUSLY BOTH BE IN LILY'S HOUSE AND YEAR AND ALSO HER BEST FRIENDS OKAY.

Mary set off on an excited tirade once Lily had gotten up, retrieving her scattered things, and they had started across to the train.  
"Errr mahh gerdd Lily how was your summer? Do anything fun? Catch up with anyone interesting? Excited about head girl? Go out drinking? Shag any blokes? I did. About four hundred and sixty-one. But that's okay because I'm a SEXUALLY LIBERATED AND FUN woman. How was your sister? Your parents? I went to France/Indonesia/Germany/Italy/Japan/Antarctica. Did you go on a holiday? What are you wearing? Your hair looks nice, I like what you did with the knickers-tucking-in. Get any new pets? Get a summer job? I see you have a bit of a tan, nice. Buy any new stuff? Finish your summer homework? I bet you did. Shave your underarms? Anyone give you a wet willy? I know my cousin sure – "

"MARY!" Marlene yelled, butting in. By now they had made it onto the train and were sitting comfortably in a compartment. "Give her time to breathe." She continued, her eyes glaring over the book she was reading, _Ladybug's Mating Habits._  
"You are always reading like two reading things, Mar!" Said Mary, pouting, "And such booooring books, too."  
"Leave her alone, Mary," said Lily, always the diplomat. Mary then pulled Lily into a conversation about the pros and cons of a snail trail on boys, while Marlene continued to read, pushing her glasses up her nose and patting down her short, dirty blonde hair.

A few hours later, while the girls were casually and innocently chillin, killin, beverage spillin, eating shnacks from the trolley and discussing pepperoni, the door suddenly banged open. As they looked up, they were blinded by a bright light and the all-round shineyness of the four boiz standing at the door. They were the Marauders, four boys from their house and year who were lyk, the popularest and good lookingest and mischevieest boyz in skool.  
"Greetings, Lily-Petal-Tree-Bush-Flower!" Cried James Potter, the leader of the group, as he threw himself at Lily's feet and began petting her ankles and licking her toes.  
"Merlin's nipple ring, James!" cried Lily, pulling her feet away from James' loving grasp, "stawp that at once!" she looked down at the grovelling boy in disgust, reflecting on how much she HATED him with the FEIRCE PASSION OF A THOUSAND BURNING UNDERPANTS THAT ARE IN A BONFIRE AND THAT IS WHY THEY ARE BURNING BECAUSE THEY ARE ON FIRE. Although she did in fact hate him that muching much, as she looked down at him, she could not deny his smexiness. He had black hair that stuck out in every which way, but it looked pretty softy soft even though it was messily messy. He wore glasses over his hazel orbs that glistened like a million rainbows, and to top it off, his body was smexy as FUCK, with his QUIDDITH TONED abs and his QUIDDITCH TONED arms and his QUIDDITH TONED EVERY BODY PART, except his hands that were CALLOUSED AS FUCK from all that snitch catching he had been up to, so I guess you could say his hands were also QUIDDITCH TONED.

James bestest best fran in the world, Sirius Black, then came to James' rescue, hauling him up off the floor and exclaiming to the girls,  
"HAI, CHICKENS! HOW WAS YOUR SUMMER!" except because he had about thirteen sugar quills in his mouth as he said this, it sounded more like, "HAEH GEHRLZZ, HERRWW WERRZZZ YERR SERRMERRRR!" He then proceeded to bounce into the compartment like two bouncing things, jumping on the seats and kicking off the wall of the compartment, doing a triple backflip. Lily watched as Sirius landed, proceeding to hump the air and sing "ERRM TOO SERXY FERR MERRHH SHEERTT". She noticed, not for the first time, his mysterious and dark and incredibly smexy good looks. He had black long hair that was black and long and reached his shoulders, grey eyes that were like a stormy night just before you get struck by lightning and die, and his all-round self just screamed, "I HAVE AN ENORMOUS PENIS". This was why all the gurlz lurrrved him, and he never was without a chick on his dick.

After James and Sirius had sat the fuck down, Lily had a chance to get a proper look-see at the other two marauders who had also entered the compartment; Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew (omgwhatafucktard). Remus Lupin was also mysteriously sexy, but was also shy and bookish and spent a lot of time reading books, for example while eating dinner, while urinating, while in class, while pranking with the marauders, while talking to friends, while peeling potatoes, and other various activities he did whilst reading. This is obviously why he was friends with the two biggest fuck-ups in school. He was also a werewolf, which meant that he was secretly a badass and obviously had a large werewolf-activity toned penis. Lily greeted Remus kindly because she found him a swell guy even though she HATED James and Sirius. She also greeted Peter kindly also because she felt sorry for him because he was FAT and UGLY and had TEN TOES and NO PERSONALITY, all he did was SIT AROUND BEING FAT AND EATING AND CRYING AND WHIMPERING! **_(A/U Ok Guyz im totez soz but lyk I just h8 Peter so muchies ewe w ew yuck peter u so shitty omg dnt u guyz h8 him 2?! Omg cuz I totez no that I do hehehehehehehehehehe peter is really fucking shitty xoxoxo omg peter u smell yuck /3 ew xpoxoxoxooxx) _**

Once everyone was sitting nicely in the compartment, James turned to Sirius and opened his Quidditch toned mouth, starting up a conversation about Quidditch.  
"So I reckon the New York Giants are totes going to win this year, do you agree?" began James.  
"I am against your opinion, Prongsiepoooooo," Sirius debated, "I believe it will be the Yankees."  
"Nah-uh!" James exclaimed, clicking his Quidditch toned fingers in a zig-zagging motion across his face, "You did nawt just say that, Siri-baybee."  
"Agree to disagree, beyotch." Said Sirius, crossing his arms.  
"Gracious me," Lily began, looking grumpy as she sat back in her chair, sick of all the Quidditch talk and determined to give Potter's Quidditch toned self a piece of her mind.  
She continued, "I am SICK, of this motherfucking Quidditch talk on this motherfucking train!"  
James attempted to redeem himself by saying, "Oh Lilybaybeeboohoneyyeah, I'm so so sorr –"  
But he didn't finish his sentence because Lily had already butted in in her extreme anger,  
"ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"  
"But the – " James still didn't manage to get his Quidditch-toned word in as Lily interrupted again,  
"I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS MOTHERFUCKING QUIDDITCH TALK ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING TRAIN!111"  
"Lily, I think that – " This time it had been Mary, who was starting to worry about Lily's health, and had tried to calm the situation but she had also proved unsuccessful as Lily had gotten to her feet, standing up on her seat.  
"EVERY BODY STRAP IN!" she yelled dramatically, then looked around at everyone in the compartment with a serious look on her face before continuing, "we're about to open some freakin' windows." But Lily never got the chance to reach over and prize open the window, for Marlene had decided that enough was enough (teehee) and stunned Lily, who fell back into her seat with a crash.  
"What just happened?" said James, his Quidditch-tones eyebrows furrowed in confusion.  
"Maybe you shouldn't talk about Quidditch around Lily anymore," said Remus wisely, peering out of the holes he had made in his book especially for the purpose of putting in wise words when everyone had forgotten that he was there.  
"That is a great idea Moonykins," Said Sirius.  
"You are so very smart," James agreed.  
"Sometimes I touch my bumhole," Said Peter. No one listened though because they hated him with a burning passion that was burning and passionate.

That evening, as they filed into the great hall for the annual closing feast and Lily feeling a little woozy after her debacle, Sirius turned excitedly to James and exclaimed, "I wonder what lyric-y goodness the sorting hat shall sing this year!"  
They were seated at the Gryffindor table when James answered, watching the first years line up in front of the old hat with McGonagall. "I do not know, kind sir. But let us find out."  
The students watched excitedly as the tear near the brim of the hat opened and began to sing,

_"I don't know what you heard about me  
But a bitch can't get a dollar outta me  
No Cadillac, no perms, you can't see  
That I'm a motherfuckin' P.I.M.P."_

"Bitchin' song this year, eh?" Said James to Remus, who was reading and didn't answer. Lily turned to glare at James and shushed him, saying, "I think it's really inspiring, you should listen to the words, maybe you will learn something for once in your toe-raggy life!" James considered Lily's words, and decided to do as she said. He turned back around to listen some more to the hat's inspirationalnessnocity.

_"G (What?)  
G (What?)  
G (What?)  
Unit (What?)  
F-I-F-T-Y C-E-N-T and S-N double O-P  
Doggy style in ya mouth for the 2003  
And y'all know I'm from the DPG  
F-I-F-T-Y C-E-N-T and S-N double O-P  
We internationally known and locally respected  
(And you know you're just a P.I.M.P) Now what you know about me_

_G-U-N-I-Tizzy, fuckin' with me and the D-P-Gizzy  
Niggaz in New York know how Doggy get down  
I got my niggaz in Queens, I got my bitches Uptown  
I got my business in Manhattan, I ain't fuckin' around  
I got some butter pecan, Puerto Ricans from the Boogie Down (Down)  
That's waitin' on me to return  
So they can snatch these braids out and put my hair in a perm, word  
They love it when I get to crippin'  
And spittin' this mag-ah-ni-ficent pimpin  
You need to switch over and ride with a star  
It'll get you far  
I'm a P-I-M-P G-A-N-G-S-T-E-R"_

The hat finished his song and the whole of the student and teacher body stood up and gave the hat a standing ovation, stamping their feet and screaming, Dumbledore being the loudest of all. Lily wiped the tears that were running down her face and sat down as the food suddenly appeared on all the tables and Mcgonagall took the hat out of the hall, the students straining to touch it as it went past, and begging for autographs.

"That was _amazing,_ wasn't it?" said Mary as she turned to Lily, also wiping tears out of her eyes. "I am going to take that advice on and use it in my everyday life to the best of my ability."  
"Me too, I didn't know a hat could be so smart." Answered Lily.  
"I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE WITH WHAT MY SWEET LILY PIE SAYS!" James butted in across the table, pouring her a pumpkin juice and petting her red head before she could stop him.  
"JAMES! YOU ARE AN ARROGANT TOE RAG AND YOU MAY NOT POUR ME PUMPKIN JUICE AND PET MY RED HEAD BEFORE I CAN STOP YOU!" Lily yelled, pointing at James and pushing his Quidditch toned hands away from her person. James wasn't listening, however, as he was looking at the hand that had touched his fair maiden's hair not three seconds ago, and basking in the wonderment of this development. He felt like fainting but at the same time, dancing around the great hall and singing at the top of his Quidditch toned voice, 'whaddup bitchez n' hoez I just touched ma bitch's hair yo whut of it yeah motherfuckerz!' But he managed to restrain himself and instead turned to Sirius, his best fwend, and said, "Yo dawg did you see that, motherfucker? I just touched ma bitch'z hair fo real yo it was totez pimpin yo I aint cleanin' this here hand ever again dawg u no whut im sayin'?"  
"Fo sho, homie. But home skillet, yo need to chill yo I need to set u bitchez up cos sim sick of seein ma home dawg getting assed out yo it aint pimpin ya know?" Sirius answered.  
"A'ight, dawg. Ya'll no whut im sayin'." James looked excited at the prospect of Sirius setting him and Lily up, and seeing as Sirius always had a chick on his dick, he was hoping that he just might have the way out of his problem-o.  
"What are you guys even talking about? I can't understand a word you're saying!" Said Mary, who was across from Sirius and James and looking very confused. Before they could answer, however, Remus butted in by saying,  
"Its secret Marauder language. So we can talk about anything in front of anyone."  
"Oh," Said Mary, still looking confused. But she was then distracted from her confusion by Dumbledore who had stood up and said,  
"Yo and welcome to Hogwarts I guess it'll be an alright year or something." They all got up to leave, assuming that it was over, then were surprised as Dumbledore raised his voice again and continued,  
"Sit down you little fucks I ain't done yet." They all sat down. "So the Forbidden Forest is forbidden I guess or whatever you'll probs die if you fuck off into there but whatever you no its your choice yeah I'm looking at you James and Sirius yeah whatever I'm smiling cos you don't give a fuck about what I'm saying but I love you secretly or something xoxo." He continued on "and yeah you no don't have banned items or whatever cos Filch will get you I guess sorry about your shitty life xoxo okay Dumbledore out." He backflipped off of the podium and disappeared, and the students took this as their queue to leave.__

Song: P.I.M.P by 50 cent 


	2. The Subtle Science Of Potion-Making

_**A/N Thankyou thankyou thankyou to everyone read, reviewed, favourited and followed! you are amazing and i didn't expect anyone to even be interested so thankyou! I wasnt going to write another chapter but I AM NOW because I was bored and sort of drunk one day so I was all why not, so sorry if this chapter is pretty fuckin random but the last one was too so eh i guess. **_

_**Also remember, all spelling/grammatical mistakes are intentional.**_

_**commence reading!**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not in fact own Harry Potter, fellow bitchez n hoez.**_

_Chapter 2: The Subtle Science Of Potion-Making  
_

The first day of classes dawned with a bright blue sky and the sounds of birds a-singing. Lily was feeling chipper and dandy as she skipped gaily down the corridors of Hogwarts, off to breakfast in the great hall.

SUDDENLY! Lily was suddenly spear-tackled from behind, and as she landed on the floor, she looked up to see Mulciber and Avery sneering down at her with sneering faces.

"Goodness me," said Lily, "that was a really great tackle you did there; do you practice karate in your spare time?"

Mulciber and Avery looked confused. "What is Karate?"

"Oh, it's just this sport that Japanese muggles do, it's like professional fighting." Lily explained to them.

"Sounds pretty cool," said Mulciber, looking interested.

"Yeah." Agreed Avery.

"So, how's your morning going?" Said Lily casually.

"Oh you know, typical first day. You?" asked Mulciber.

"Alright so far, I was just on my way to breakfast just then when you spear-tackled me."

Then Mulciber had a sudden realisation. "That's right! Ahem – EVANS!"

Lily jumped on her spot on the floor, startled by the sudden topic change.

"YOU FILTHY MUDBLOOD, YOU! I SHALL CURSE YOU NOW!11" Mulciber continued.

"Oh, right, I forgot that was what we were doing." Said Avery, raising his wand at Lily also. "PREPARE TO DIE!"

"Oh em geee!" Lily cried, startled. "This is an unexpected twist that I did not expect, and also, I am surprised!" She cowered dramatically against the floor, tensing her body and screwing her eyes shut in preparation for the oncoming attack.

Mulciber's wand was also raised, and he was gearing up to send a curse (probably Avada Kedavra, ya'll know how shit is) when, SUDDENLY! Lily looked up and saw a figure clad in black, swinging towards her on a vine and yelling a Tarzan-esque attack call. Before she knew it, she had been lifted off the ground by the hero and had found herself through a tapestry and in a secret passageway. She got up, dusting off her clothes, and looked up at her saviour.

He had a hood over his face, so she couldn't see who it was, but then he asked, "Are you okay?" and she thought that she recognized the voice.

"I'm fine, thanks. Who are you?"

He then waved his hands in front of his face dramatically sort of like the penguins in that movie _Madagascar_ and said, "You didn't see anything…" then, suddenly, he backflipped through the tapestry, and when she hurried after him to the corridor beyond, he was nowhere to be seen.

"My hero…" she mused, her heart clenching in wonderment.

* * *

Later that day, James Potter was in potions, doing an all-round shit job of his work, while Sirius sat next to him eating cake and winking at the females of the class in such quick succession that he looked like he had an eye twitch.

"Can I borrow your owl, mate?" said James, turning to Sirius with a hopeful expression on his Quidditch-toned face.

"What for?" said Sirius, turning to look at James, his eye still twitching.

"Er…" James was finding it hard to concentrate on his reasoning, for Sirius' twitchy eye was distracting him greatly. "For the potion."

Remus chose that time to butt into the conversation, looking out of the ever present eyeholes of his book and chopping roots for his potion at the same time. "James, why are you putting an owl in your potion?"

"Because it says an owl feather, and I think it'll be even better if I use a whole owl." James said, as if this were completely obvious.

"Yeah, sure, Prongsyweewee, you can of course use my owl." Said Sirius and his twitching eye, obviously not seeing the fault in James' master plan.

"Sirius! No! It will kill your owl!" Remus yelled, horrified. "No wonder you are as shite as a piece of Quidditch-toned shite in a toilet at potions, Prongs. I can't believe you're taking it in NEWT levels."

"I am an independent woman, and I don't need no man to tell me not to do potions, mm-hmmmmmm!" said James.

"Whatever. Just don't use a whole owl, a feather will do."

"Whatever, beyotch."

The conversation ended there and the boys (bar Sirius) went back to their potion-making. But then! Slughorn's voice called out through the din, "James Potter, see me after class ya'll!"

James was as horrified as six-hundred horrified things. "Sir! I did-n do nothang!"

Slughorn ignored him.

Lily, who was sitting in the row in front of the boys, then turned around with a happy expression on her face, pointing at James. "Heee heeeeee hardy harr! You're in troubleeeee"

James sulked in his seat, then, realising just who it was who was talking to him, popped up suddenly in his seat from excitement. "Oh, my Lily-shrub! You are talking to me, and it feels sooo gooooooddd!" he practically sung the last part of the sentence.

Lily looked at him in disgust. "That is disgusting." She said, a disgusted look on her face.

Sirius then piped up, surprisingly, saying, "That's what your mum said when you were born!"

Lily blanched. Everyone else within earshot turned around in surprise at the surprisingly good comeback that Sirius had randomly busted out with.

"OHHH, BUUURRRRNNN!" Sirius yelled, getting up out of his seat and covering his mouth with one hand, and grabbing his crotch with the other, bopping his head and doing the "oohh burrnnn" dance, dancing like a gangsta on gangsta tablets.

"Run cool water over the burn to soothe!" said Remus, getting up and dancing the dance with Sirius, except still reading his book.

"Boom-Shakalacka!" Yelled Peter, getting up to join in, but before he could begin his dance, Sirius had punched him in the oesophagus and he fell to the ground, knocked out.

No-one seemed to notice, and went on with what they were doing; Remus and Sirius dancing, Lily looking murderous, and James looking torn between joining his friends and sticking up for the lurrrve of his life.

James' Quidditch-toned brain seemed to make a decision then, for he jumped up with his mates, covering his Quidditch-toned mouth with his Quidditch-toned hand and begun, "BURRRRRRRR-"

But suddenly, he was interrupted by Lily throwing him her most horriblest look she had ever given anyone EVER at him and yelling, "IF YOU ARE ABOUT TO SAY BURRRNNNN, JAMES POTTER, THEN CONSIDER YOURSELF NEVER TALKED TO BY ME AGAIN AND ALSO I'LL KILL YOU WITH FIRE!111" her eyes seemed to blaze with pure evil fire and hatred as she yelled.

This look scared James, but it also turned him on a little. He hesitated, then, in his fear of death by fire he rambled, "BURRRRRRR-ITO! BURRITO! I really feel like a burrito. Opinion, Lily-fern? Do you like burritos? I know I do. Sometimes, when I'm sad, I think of burritos. I really think that they're really great. Did you know they're from Mexico? Or something? Sometimes they have rice in them, you know. I like to eat burritos. Sometimes, when I've eaten so many that I'm full but there's still some left, I like to put them up my-"

"JAMES!" Lily screamed, throwing her hands wildly in the air in distress after listening to James' ramble and worrying about what he was about to say, "WE GET THE PICTURE!"

"Oh. Right." James slowly lowered his Quidditch-toned self down into his chair shamefully, and begun to work again on his potion.

Meanwhile, Sirius, after laughing heartily at James' rambling and all-round failure at life and also his own joke that was STILL funny, returned to his chair next to where Remus had already returned, reading a book and adding unicorn anus to his potion.

"Oh man, I wish I had some chicken up in here," said Sirius, to no-one in particular.

Then, suddenly, something happened that made Sirius' world and everything he held dear to himself tip upon its axis.

"Testify, sista! Some chicken is exactly what we need up in dis crib."

Sirius looked up from his musings towards the impossible voice with the words that were like a rainbow taking a fairy dust dump on his head and pissing molten gold, for that is how wondrous he thought they were.

It was Mary, Lily(OFFLIMITS)'s best friend. He, of course, had noticed her general porn-starness before; her skinny body and totally real double-d breasts and extremely outgoing personality just like his and her eyes that were like you know when the sun sets over a desert and the desert is all like red and brown and all these other colours and stuff that is what her eyes were like.

He was in pure bliss.

He couldn't believe that such a woman could connect with him on this level.

She was smiling at him. He smiled back, a rare Sirius smile that no one saw because he was the king of angst except for all the time when he's high on lollies.

She was intrigued by the smile, though she did not want him to notice, so she turned back.

Once she turned back around, Sirius felt like someone had forcefully teared out his liver with a hand made of needles and replaced it with a grenade, for not only was he unable to bathe in the light of the heavenly glow that her facial features created, he also felt as if she had shunned him by turning away.

* * *

The end of potions had finally arrived and James was currently attempting to escape before Slughorn remembered that he had asked him to stay after class. Unfortunately, just as James had made his break for the door, Slughorn yelled, "James! Get back here!"

James slumped his Quidditch-toned shoulders in defeat and sighed, turning back and heading for his potions master's desk.

"Now, James – " But before Slughorn could begin, James interrupted him.

"I DIDN'T DO IT!"

"No, no… you're not in trouble." Slughorn shook his head and smiled at James a little, and continued, "I just think that you're in need of some potions tutoring if you really want to stay in this class."

"TUTORING!? But I'm the smartest boi in school even though I don't even study or attend class or know how to read and write and haven't even seen a professor in my life! I CANNOT be tutored, and that is that."

"Well I'm afraid, m'boy, that you're going to have to drop out of class then."

"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE!11111!"

Slughorn looked quite frazzled after that outburst, and began to try to calm James down. "It's okay, m'boy, you don't have to do it for long, just until you begin to pass the class."

James put his hand to his Quiddidtch-toned chin and stroked his non-existent beard, thinking. "So you say if I do this until I pass, I can stop?"

"Yes."

"hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmm…."

"I recommend it highly, Mr Potter." Slughorn looked relieved that not only had James calmed down, he seemed to be considering the idea.

"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmHHmmmmmmmmm mmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMm…."

James was still thinking, and Slughorn was starting to worry about his mental health.

"hmmm hmm hmm hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm hm hm hm hm hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmm HMMMMMMMMMMMMM! Okay, I'll do it." After all his difficult thinking, James decided that he would just copy from Remus next test so that we would pass which meant he only had to have at the most two sessions with his tutor. And maybe, JUST MAYBE, he would be lucky enough to have his sweet, sweet Lilykins as his tutor, in which case he would purposefully never pass again in his life in order to keep her tutoring him.

"That's wondrous, Mr Potter. Your sessions will begin at six o'clock tonight, and will be once a week."

"Sounds okay. Do I need to bring anything?"

"Your textbook, Mr Potter."

"Will I need a quill?"

"Yes."

"What about parchment?"

"Yes, you'll need that too."

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmm…. What about clothes. Will I need those?"

"YES, Mr. Potter! Stop asking stupid questions!" Slughorn looked a little angry, James thought. He held his hands up in a surrendering gesture, feeling hurt from Slughorn calling his legitimate questions that he was legitimately confused by stupid.

"Sorry, professor; just asking. Who is my tutor, anyway?"

"Severus Snape."

James then knew no more, for he had passed out right where he stood.

Back at base, (i.e Gryffindor tower), Sirius Orion Black was attempting to have a serious (heeeeeehehhehehehehehehhe) chat with Lily Anne Marie Doris Benson Helga Evans whilst wearing a onesie.

"It even has bootie bits attached!"

"Lily! We are _not _talking about my onesie right now! Merlin, you are _so_ immature." Sirius rolled his eyes at her and Lily stifled a laugh as Sirius' hypocrisy. Sirius ignored her and carried on, "What we _are _here to talk about is the fact that your favourite hobby is tearing out boys' hearts with your teeth and setting them on fire whilst stabbing them with MACHETES and dipping them in POISON ACID and laughing an evil laugh all the while."

Lily was stunned. "That sure was dramatic Sirius, but what are you talking about?"

"Oh, you _know _what I'm talking about, you evil witch, you." Sirius was glaring at her with his arms crossed. "The fact that you are horrible to James Potter for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON!"

Lily scoffed. "No reason?!"

"Yes, uhhhh, that is what I said…" Sirius looked confused. "Anyway, you, sir, are hurting his _feelangssssss _and I, Sirius Black, am his best fran and I have to help him. So, GO OUT WITH HIM OR ILL KILL YOU!"

Lily bristled immediately, becoming as angry as two angry things. "NO!" she screamed, getting up and stomping toward her dormitory like an elephant on elephant tablets.

"I think that went pretty well, actually." Said Sirius to no one in particular, mentally patting himself on the back. "I think she likes him a little more, now."

"That went horribly, you idiot!" Piped up a voice to Sirius' immediate left. He jumped in surprise, and turned to see Remus looking at him through the eyeholes of his ever-present book.

"Don't tell me things like you know!" yelled Sirius indignantly. Remus and his eyeholes thought they knew _everything,_ he reflected bitterly.

"I _do _know! I know that you completely buggered that up! She's awfully mad, now."

Sirius rolled his eyes at his friend's idiocy. But then! He thought of a great and smart and wonderful way to show Moonybooboo what for!

He brightened at the idea and got up, intent on carrying out his plan as soon as he could. He walked over to where Remus sat, back to reading his book. Suddenly he lunged for the book, eyeholes and all, and managed to grab it.

"Hey!" Remus yelled, looking as distressed as two distressed things.

"Teeeeeeheeeeeeee!" Sirius giggled, prancing over towards the common room fire in his onesie. Then, he suddenly and unexpectedly threw the book into the fire, turning to watch Remus' face; for that was the best part.

Remus had fallen to his knees, his arm reaching but not managing to grasp, tears beginning to run down his distraught face. Sirius thought that Remus had seemed to lose his voice in his distress, but suddenly, Remus opened his mouth and howled.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

Then Remus collapsed to the floor and passed out from the onslaught of grief.

"Heh heh heh heh heh." Laughed Sirius, sticking a sugar quill in his mouth and stepping over his friend's body and laying down on the common room couch and basking in his success.

* * *

Meanwhile, James was sitting in the Hogwarts Library, shivering in worry and general fear-nocity. He wasn't sure why he had even accepted to be tutored by _Snivellus_, but he had decided that it could harbour great pranking possibilities if he were to gain his trust in tutoring.

Suddenly, his tutor appeared in front of his table, and James jumped.

"I want it to be clear that I am not here by free will," Snivellus began, "I was threatened with the loss of my prefect badge and detentions."

"Bully for you," said James. Snivellus sat down.

Then he begun.

"You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making."

"Alrigh – " James begun, but he was interrupted.

"I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes,"

"I gues – "

"The delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses. . ."

"Maybe we should just star – "

"I CAN TEACH YOU HOW TO BOTTLE FAME!"

"I don't really – "

"BREW GLORY!"

"I think I might go now – "

"EVEN PUT A STOPPER ON DEATH!"

Snape looked down at his tutoree after the finale of his speech to find that he had fainted.

* * *

"Oh look, Lily! There's a new notice on the notice board!" came the voice of Mary McDonald later that evening in the common room. Lily walked over to her friend, looking for the notice.

"What it is about?"

"Apparently there's a Christmas ball this year!" said Mary excitedy.

"What? Since when does Hogwarts have a ball? There aren't any in canon, except for that one in the Triwizard Tournament and that doesn't even count!"

"I know, Lily. But the author of this fic is a fourteen year old girl and feels the need to have balls in everything and anything she does, and can think of no other way to construct the first Jily kiss."

"Oh, of course. Silly me." Lily shook her head, and finally managed to locate the notice that held the details of the ball.

**_Ball So Hard Motherfuckers Wanna Fine Me_**

_Wassup, niggas! Dis notice is all up in yo common rooms for dat purpose of tellin' you bitchez bout this ball we be havin!_

_Yo, It's gonna be goin' down on Christmas eve, so you hoez better be pimpin up in here!_

_Theme: Gangsta_

_You niggas forget to get dress'd up and you'll be popped._

_It's gon' be off the chizang!_

_Later, hoez._

"What an inventive theme!" cried Lily, after reading it.

"For sho! Oh em gee, who are you going to go with?" cried Mary

"I don't know…" said Lily slowly, trying her best to bury the little image of none other than James Potter that had popped into her brain. It was going to be a long year.

_Title of the Ball notice board is a line from the lyrics of _Niggas In Paris _by Kanye West and Jay-z_

_Pets on the head for whoever guesses who Lily's secret tarzan hero is!_

_**Bow chicka wow wow! Will James ever stop fainting all over the place like a ninny? Is Peter still alive after getting punched in the esophagus for the simple crime of saying 'boom shakalaka'? Has Sirius found true love, or will it be just him and his onesie for all eternity? Will Remus ever recover from the early demise of his late eyehole-clad book? Who knows? Stay tuned for the next chapter!**_


End file.
